So yeah I’m joking when I tell you that I hate you…right? Sometimes I am but I don’t really hate anyone I just hate how things turned out. 

Lets say you like someone and you are trying to find out who they are interested in to be sure you wouldn’t be wasting your time. You notice that they might be into someone else so you ask about it, not once, multiple times and they assure you that they don’t have any sort of feelings for that person…like make it seem out of this world and impossible…allowing you to start viewing this person in a totally different manner simply because you feel that they aren’t emotionally distracted by someone else and it wouldn’t be a waste of your emotional stress .. Then you find out that they really do have feelings for that person which obviously doesn‘t just come out of nowhere…they had to have been there for awhile…how would you feel? It’s not you that I’m really mad at I think it’s myself because I’m doing things I wouldn’t normally do. I use to be a pro at avoiding situations like this. I kept it simple and took interest in those who did the same. Twice in one year….I’ll figure it out though.

You were telling me how he got mad because you didn’t say I love you. You two aren’t in love and if you think you are then you don’t know what love is. You just “love” the idea of being with each other.

Why not just transfer next semester like you said you could easily do? You’d be a music major, you’d be with your boyfriend, you’d be with all of your friends you miss from high school, you’d be closer to home, you wouldn’t be wasting ridiculous amounts of money taking only core classes when you could be taking music classes, and it would be less of a hassle having to deal with housing stuff both here and at uofh in the middle of the school year. Everything would be so easy for you. 

I still feel like you do things to make your ex jealous. I feel like you unblocked him so that your posts/pictures would be visible to him on his best friends wall. I feel like you upload pictures of yourself and make them available to the public hoping your ex will wander onto your page and see them. Like all of the wall posts and shit…like go to chat or something. No one cares. You’ll deny it but that won’t change the way I feel about it. I’d deny it too.

If you’re going to let someone treat you however they like and just keep forgiving them for the sake of “happiness” then I feel sorry for you because you’ll be traveling in this never ending circle for a long time until it all build up on you and then…well yeah. 

So what happened to “Friends ex-boyfriends are off limits” “He’s like a brother to me” “No…he can’t like me..make him not like me” You’re a hypocrite. Now you’ve spent the night at his place and he has spent the night at yours and you’re going on a date next week. Yeah he”s your bro alright. That’ll show him that you have no interest.

Looking back I’ve wasted so much time emotionally that I will never get back. I feel like I never put myself back out there because I was waiting for something that was never going to happen and if I had stuck to my old ways I would have realized and got over the whole thing a whole lot sooner. It’s whatever though. People slip up. Now that it has happened I am stronger and wiser. It’s all about what you learned.

When I say that I usually steer clear of dumb shit this is what I’m usually referring to…and it kills me because I knew better. I’ve wasted so much time over the past few months. Just emotionally though. I made some pretty good “friends” I guess but for the most part those people are also the reason why I can say that I have loved and hated the past 6 months. Life is a never ending journey of learning. I’ve definitely learned a whole lot and I’m thankful for that.

You. Are. A. Fucking. Hypocrite.
You’re in this relationship for the wrong reason. You just don’t want to be forgotten. It’s so fucking obvious now and it’s your fault that I figured it out. You’re just trying to make him jealous and miss what you two had. The acronym poetry…seriously?? After the rant you went on about trying too hard to re create what you once had with someone else? Give me a fucking break….and now you’re even making yourself look like an even bigger dumb ass by complimenting him on how great you think he is and trying to get him to do he same for you and it just looks pathetic because you totally threw that comment out there at random. Just come clean and say you want him back. Or say that you’re still pissed about what happened and that you want to get back at him. I’m so fucking stupid. I’ve been chasing after someone who is plain and simple no good for me. After all I’ve done. I don’t ask for things in return but it had to stand for something…best friend…?? Fucking BEST FRIEND?!? Do you know how many people I’ve witnessed you claim to be your best friend!? And now you just think you can toss me into that same category and everything will just go away..but let me tell you that I’m too fucking smart for that. I’m worth more than that and the fact that you think otherwise shows me that you’re no good for me. This has turned out to be the absolute worst last few months of my life. That say a whole fucking lot too. It wouldn’t seem like such a waste either if I knew you were with someone for the right reasons but lets get real you’re using him and I don’t care what you say. I went out of my way to send you stuff over Christmas break just as a gesture to show how much I actually cared about you…we weren’t even dating..come to find out you had actually kissed Louie before the break and had been being used by your low life of an ex boyfriend during all this time that I had been trying to help mend and hopefully win your heart because I felt I could make you happy. And then..you throw out some bullshit about things getting pretty serious with someone back from home..over 3 weeks time..?? Get the fuck out of here! You’re too smart for that and so am I. After your breakup you would t let things get serious that fast. 3 weeks? For real? I’ve been doing everything right by you for fucking 5 months. Your intentions are now clear and it all makes sense to me. I feel sick with myself for being blinded for so long but damn does it feel good to know the truth.

“I kissed him and I shouldn’t have..” Must be nice. I’ll never understand that one. I’m lucky if I get to hug you…

I’m a strong person. I’m super strong. How has this broken me down so much? Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Academically. Musically. I NEVER cry. Ever. This is ridiculous. The tears start falling and man do they fall..how have I let someone become my life all while knowing that they don’t need me in theirs to be happy? I’m only up when I’m talking to you…when I’m with you I’m flying so high I can’t even explain it. When I’m not I’m just faking it. How have I let this happen? What makes you so different from the rest?

I’m a faithful boyfriend. I was with a great girl and everyone knows that there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Couples argue. That’s what makes them stronger…Except in this case it drew me further away from her with unintentional outside help. It’s something about you that to this day I still can’t put my finger on. I’ve never had this kind of attraction to anyone in my entire life. It wasn’t fair of me to cut my girlfriend at the time short on attention that I should have been putting on her. I could have stayed with her, but I’m the kind of guy who will put his 100% focus on the girl he is with and I honestly couldn’t do it no matter how hard I tried. You would think ” if this happened with her what’s to keep it from happening again and again with another girl?” but the thing is I can’t see that happening simply because I have convinced myself that it’s you that I want. It’s so hard to move on because I wouldn’t be able to devote my attention to another girl 100% simply because to me, it doesn’t get any better than you, so why settle for less? I feel that way now and I hope that fades soon. I think I do. It wasn’t your fault though, it was mine. I just wish I knew what it is that makes me feel the way I do about you because I would then know what it is I’m looking for. Now I’m in this fucked up situation where there’s no chance that I’ll end up with you because you have a boyfriend. You’re happy. That’s what I wanted. I wanted for you to be happy right? The feeling I get when we’re hanging out and I know you’re texting him or you mention him is just unexplainable. That day at the basketball game when we were playfully arguing about our favorite poptart flavors and you said ” Jared likes s’mores so that’s all that matters” I nearly died inside. I know it shouldn’t be that way but it was. I wish I could fix it. Every time I try I end right back up in the same place because I have already convinced myself that you are it. You possess something that will always send me spiraling back to you no matter what and I’ve never allowed anyone to have that kind of control over me. It sucks. And it’s insanely awesome. Bittersweet? Given the current situation, it mainly sucks. How am I supposed to move on knowing that if you asked me to be yours I would drop everything and accommodate your every need in a heartbeat? You asked me when was the last time I had sex…right before I broke up with my ex girlfriend. When was the last time I fooled around with a girl..November. Right before I started falling for you. I couldn’t even imagine being with someone else because I know for a fact I would just be thinking about you the whole time. That’s not fair to the girl I’m with. It would actually be degrading because I’m obviously saying that “you may be attractive enough for me to fool around with you, but deep down I would already have someone in mind to take your place right now and would enjoy that experience 50 times more”. It shouldn’t be that way. I fell way too hard way too fast. It doesn’t make sense to me at all because I’ve spent tons of time observing situations like this training myself to avoid these situations at all costs and now I’m the main character in this sad story that has proven to not have a happy ending more times than I would like to remember…

I’d say I’m above average when it comes to trying to figure people out but every now and then someone will seriously challenge me. You told me that you have baggage back at home that you would love to escape sometimes and I honestly feel that your current situation will keep that from happening for a very long time. Your ex is moving in with your current boyfriend next semester. Does anything strike you as odd in that last statement? Your ex having to watch you be all over one of his best friends and you having to watch your ex’s new girlfriend be all over him… I don’t understand how this is in anyway wanting to escape from it all. If anything, this can cause a whole bunch of drama between a giant group of friends, some of which who still have to live with each other for a whole year. I don’t get it. Other than the fact that he CLOSELY resembles your ex physically, what makes him so different from any guy you could have easily been with down here? If long distance was a negative factor in your previous relationship, what is going to make this any different? Why make it hard on yourself and him?

Was I wrong when I told myself I could handle this? Did I bite off more than I could chew? The reality of the situation is finally starting to set in and it has to be one of the worse feelings I have ever experienced. I feel like it’s taking over my entire life both physically and emotionally. I don’t want to eat unless I’m eating with you. I don’t want to hang out with people unless I know you are going to be there. I don’t even want to wake up from my dreams about you because I know that you will not be right next to me when I open my eyes. I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t involve you and in a way it’s ridiculous because I know that’s not the case with you.